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I’m still “ME”, and Phoebe is and will always be with me

July 16, 2012

I was given permission by a wonderful dear lady from East Texas who’s been a friend for what seems like forever to post her reply when I posted I was closing out “Phoebe’s Yahoo Acct. and the files I had not seen in so long, going through, deleting, fwd-ing important one’s to “Philip’s Yahoo Acct., etc., I was surprised  at her reply but my friend had only knew “PHOEBE” and upon reading the below post about deleting Phoebe’s Yahoo account had this very moving message that made me cry, this is truly the traits one wants in friends and I’m blessed Roo to know you and Love you dearly as you Love me:——————————————————————————————————————————————————–
Ruchia Moran:

I want to say Dear Phoebe, but I need to get used to Dear Philip. I have to tell you this is a bit difficult for me. I know mentally that you have made the change back to Philip, but you see…I never knew Philip. I knew Phoebe. Phoebe was gorgeous and talented, sweet and hilarious. Phoebe would tell me if my fashion was hip or a drip, my make up great or caked. Phoebe was witty to a fault and always made me smile or laugh, especially when I needed it most. Phoebe knew when I was down to my last nerve or needed to escape. Phoebe understood art…one of my passions, even those I couldn’t paint a stick person. Phoebe loved a good biography book as much as I did and let me borrow hers (I still have them, but you have to come get them!) . My point is this. I think I need to grieve. I haven’t accepted the reality of Philip yet. I HATE this feeling that I will never see Phoebe again….I refuse to accept the fact that Phoebe is no more. Phoebe was my friend and I loved her goofy self. I never got a chance to say goodbye. I admit I cried….I don’t think I’m through crying…like I said, I’m grieving, but eventually…with Philip’s help, I can get past the mourning stage and get on with the living and being happy for Philip. I can’t wait to meet him and get to know him. If I’m half as good of a friend as I think I am…I will recognize my dear friend’s heart right away and the sadness will disappear and be replaced with joy. I just wanted to share my feelings. Thanks for being such a wonderful person and friend.—————————————————————————–

Philips says: If anyone who knows she or I reads this and you ain’t tearing up at least a little bit, check your pulse, you may be dead!

——-Friends, after I read this she and I had a long chat, I was able to assure my Dear Friend Roo, as we all call her, that Phoebe is not dead, Phoebe and I are very much alive in this one body, only the outside has changed not the inside, she had asked during out private chat if others has voiced this same sad sentiment, I said only one-only one till I re posted her response-the floodgate opened. You’ll see a few responses to her re-posted response on my FB page, even more came to my Yahoo mail inbox, several through private message on FB and more  this morning-I have to say I couldn’t feel more shocked nor more loved! I’m truly blessed to be on folks minds and hearts as they are in my mine.
I first want to assure all, Phoebe is NOT dead, I’m the same on the inside, my outward appearance is altered a bit but I’m still my original essence. I had a long talk with a dear friend Bo who is Native Indian, he is considered in the situation I’m in to be not transgendered but “Twin-Spirit” and revered by  Indian culture through out history. Bo and I are with one another TRULY Twin-Spirits as we share the same birthday June 18, but I digress. He and I came to the conclusion I also am a “Twin-Spirit” as I embody both male and female essences, I always have and always will regardless of what gender I choose to outwardly appear to be. An quick example to share is animals who only are drawn to or like females instead of men are drawn to me-this has been a constant throughout my life and I don’t think that will ever change, I’ve always like to cook, sew, craft, create, things at one time considered activities girls liked over boys and you were a sissy if you let it be known back then, these days more boys like all and participating in them,and not judged, I never changed, times did and for the better
 
I only got into sports before I left East Texas six years ago as I found my body was no longer frail, thin and downright scrawny as I was as a kid with no strength at all. I also found out of necessity. I like working on cars, have always been great with my hands and liked building things.
The compassion and humanity people feel for me is overwhelming, knowing prayers have been sent that I’m just ok and happy and I have to again say along the lines of my public speaking and Inlander article when I meet people after a speaking event or when the approach me upon recognizing me, nothing negative is ever surprisingly been relayed about stereotypical non-sense one(me)might be braced for or expect. I only receive outpourings of love and understanding or trying to grasp and understand my decision and situation.I’m choked up and not felt so moved since I don’t know when-I’m truly Blessed and this finds me renewed with so much strength, faith  and confidence to do what I feel I need to do which is be a great role model & teacher not just for community’s like Trans, Gay, but for the human race as that is the one thing we have in common when it’s broken down. My dear friend Matt Cannon is always saying he looks forward to it one day just being that and not fragmented into so many off-shoots, labels, categories as it is presently is though, we’ve all come so far and getting there-baby steps.
 
I write this pledging to myself, God and everyone to be today and everyday the best “Philip” I can be and never again take for granted or feel I’m alone in this or be as lazy as I’ve been with this blog as I’ve been as I’m ‘in here’ and don’t always see what others see or feel about me and my unique situation. I’ll be blogging more and keeping up with it starting today with this new post. At least one more today will follow
 
Thank you Roo, Elder Larry, Cynthia, Walter, Glenda, Dianne, Angela, Ellen(It still seems like I batted my eye and you were suddenly a wife, mother and beautiful woman-when DID that happen, LOL!,Image )Trish and  the seriously countless as I’ve lost count of the friends and family who responded thorugh Facebook message and my Yahoo Email, and those who read and “like” the post on FB, I had no idea I had this much support-Thanks all again, I’m truly and deeply touched!
 
More to come in my blog and more often.
 
With Love and Gratitude,
 
Philip
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5 Comments
  1. john davis permalink

    Phillip you are stunning in every way a human being can be. You are as rare and unique as the Sunrise and Sunset, splashing around and playing in the sky of colors as you find yourself. We are blessed as we (those in tune) get to witness your musings and intimate honesty you so bravely share. Yes, we are all wrapped in different shells yet with so much in common

    • Thank you John! You are a dear friend for a while now, hope one day we can meet in person and your lady is really beautiful! I’m happy for you! XOXOX

  2. Erik permalink

    It’s been awhile since we’ve heard from you…hope all is well!
    –E

    • Erik, I’m well, admit I’ve been a little “distracted” but back on track now! And Promise to report more-starting today! Thank you for asking and caring!

  3. Erik permalink

    Thanks Philip, glad to know….and thanks for your last post, sounds like you are doing well.
    Stay safe!
    Erik

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